Tag Archives: Manus Island

KRM Update – Nauru Not So Bad After All…

12_Carlos_CazalisAfter more than four years of describing his time at Nauru Detention Centre as an “everlasting fire,” and “a place of torment for the damned,” Burmese and Sri Lankan refugees finally admitted yesterday that their time on the tiny Micronesian island was, in fact, “all right.”
“In spite of all the hunger strikes and all the letters to Amnesty,” Burmese Permanent Protection Visa holder Aung San said, “Nauru was not so bad. Mostly it was quite pleasant. Most refugees just get a little emotional, that’s all.”

Following Aung San’s announcement, asylum seeking refugees awaiting processing in detention centres across Australia acknowledged the positives of their particular predicament.

“The riots in February are the best part so far,” said Amila Debnath, 27, who has been on Manus Island for 11 months. “But it’s all good. A lot of time you look the guard in the eye and instead of killing each other, you swap food recipes and tell funny stories. We show them our secret dens, and they invite us over to their food hall to share some imported Australian beer and to smoke cigarettes.”

Debnath said he also started smoking marijuana on Manus, a habit he still enjoys to this day.

“There is nothing in the world quite like it,” he said. “Not even a visa.”

Musayev Marma is a Sri Lankan refugee who has been at Christmas Island Immigration Reception and Processing Centre for twenty months said, “I’m so glad the facilities here are nothing like they portray in movies like Afghan Stories or In This World. That would be really bad. Coming To America and a little bit of Peter Seller’s The Party is more true to our experience.”

Added Marma: “You see, everybody talks about the overcrowding and the rape allegations. But no one ever talks about the Freddo Frogs and games of Twister.”

Acting as spokesperson for his group, Aung San also admitted that, contrary to what The Refugee Council of Australia’s claim, the asylum seeker circumstances are not something beyond the average Australian’s comprehension.

“For quite a time now we are telling people, if you are not a refugee then you would not understand us,” San said. “But this is simply not true. Anyone could easily look at the television and get a very good idea of what it is like for us. There are many many shows with many detailed descriptions and bright coloured pictures. You certainly don’t need to actually go to Nauru to get a feel for it.”

Padma Ambu, an asylum seeker from Nepal formally detained in the now closed Baxter Immigration Reception and Processing Centre, remembers many good times.

“A lot of times, in between fighting, we would have the barbeque of great seafood and just laze around and drink for many hours,” Padma said. “Then we’d usually flirt with the Baxter guards and take them to our room and have sex with them. And they would often be our very good friends.”

Padma is now raising two beautiful children in Port Augusta South Australia thanks to her exciting refugee sexual adventures.

Ali Rasulov, who while waiting for his asylum claim to be heard had his eye gouged out by a guard during a riot at the now defunct Port Hedland Detention Centre, said that although he has had numerous recurring nightmares over the past 10 years, they have been largely unrelated to his stint as a refugee.

“There’s a really bad one where I’m back in the Port Hedland, and I’m swimming in the Olympic pool, but I realise I’m not wearing any trunks because I forgot to bring my gym bag,” Rasulov said. “My goodness, it seemed so real, it was terrifying.”

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KRM Update – Manus Island Slackers!

Manus1Nine months after deciding his life was just too hard and engaging a people smuggler to secure him passage on a fishing boat bound for Australia, Adeeb Kohistani, a gutless slacker from Afghanistan, was continuing to hide from reality at Manus Island regional processing facility.

According to former G4S staff, the 31-year-old refugee, a member of the Shia Hazara people from the central highland region of Hazarajat in Afghanistan, apparently did-a-runner from his home last June following a violent raid by the Taliban Army, and now prefers to live in an army tent in the middle of Manus Island than face up to the challenges in his life and deal with them like any normal Australian would.

PNG Police Officer Russty Nicholson said of the pathetic runaway, “When things got hard Kohistani could have defended his village and died with his pride intact, but at the first sign of trouble he just took off to a different country instead.” Officer Nicholson explained this as a common reaction amongst boat people: the moment a large, well-armed military regiment raids their village and slaughters their family, they turn about and run.

Immigration Minister Scott Morrison specifically mentioned Adeeb Kohistani’s case at a press conference outside Villawood detention Centre Thursday. “People like Mr. Kohistani need to understand that Australia is not the place to come and bury your head in the sand just because life has dealt you a rough-hand. I think I can safely speak for all Australians when I say that we are a tolerant nation who believe in a fair go and when a problem crops up, we fix it. You fix it and move on with your life. Because that’s what Australians do.”

Talk-back radio phone lines rang hot after Mr. Morrison’s press conference with the majority of callers agreeing that ignoring all your problems— such as ethnic cleansing and homelessness—and hoping it will all go away is a total cop-out.

“Look at me,” said Mr. Jasper Whyte a caller from Penrith NSW, “I never got my Housing Commission flat by taking the easy way out. It was bloody hard work.”

Another caller described Adeeb Kohistani as “a loser, simple as that!” right after talkback radio host Alan Jones confirmed that Kohistani had ran like a headless chook the night of the massacre before crawling out the back of his hut and cowering in the nearby scrub, where, Jones speculated, the weak-willed man decided to just completely shut out the sight of his settlement being destroyed and the bodies of his loved ones being thrown into a pit rather than tackling the problem head-on. The spineless bastard reportedly ran-off with his tail between his legs to the people smugglers the following day, and is now, by all accounts, content to just give up and pity himself at the taxpayer’s expense.

In a news poll, 91% agreed that Kohistani should not be using the massacre of his family as an excuse to just chuck in the towel. The poll’s comment section was shut-down after contributors overloaded the system with unanimous calls for taxpayer handouts to cease and for Kohistani to snap out of his depression and “get his shit together.”

Mr. Morrison acknowledged that both G4S and his own border protection point man, Lieutenant-General Angus Campbell, had warned Kohistani and all illegal arrivals that they needed to realise everyone faces challenges in their lives, and that they can’t just expect Australians to throw open their arms and take care of everything for them. “During an operational procedure,” said Mr. Campbell, “which I can’t directly discuss, but I can disclose that during that procedure one Australian naval officer lost his iPhone. Over the side and into the drink it went. It wasn’t backed up to the cloud so the officer lost everything. But he didn’t start crying about it, and he certainly didn’t run off to Indonesia expecting them to make it all better for him. No, he took it on the chin and first opportunity he got he was on eBay buying himself a new iPhone which he immediately backed up to the cloud so this sort of problem wouldn’t reoccur.”

Greens Immigration spokeswoman (and general bleeding-heart) Sarah Hanson-Young visited Adeeb Kohistani on Manus but failed to address the queue jumper’s propensity for running away from his difficulties. Instead, Ms. Young spent most of her time criticising the Federal Government’s offer to repatriate Adeeb Kohistani back to Afghanistan at taxpayer expense. The Greens Senator rejected calls for the gutless refugee to grow up and act like a responsible adult for once in his life. She said the piss-weak excuse for a man resolutely refuses to go back to his own country and that he enjoyed her full support.

“Adeeb Kohistani is just barely starting to feel safe here,” said Sarah Hanson-Young. “Returning to his home in Hazarajat is something he can’t even imagine at the moment.” Ms. Young cited dozens of Kohistani’s weak excuses for why he can’t tackle his problems and actually do something about them like any normal Australian would. “So many of his friends and relatives were murdered right in front of him during the raid, and it could have just as easily been him. He told me that he still hears their screams in his dreams every night.”

Scott Morrison countered by saying Adeeb Kohistani wouldn’t be having nightmares if he had initially confronted his attackers head on, although he stressed this did not justify what happened to Mr Kohistani’s relatives and other victims.

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