After more than four years of describing his time at Nauru Detention Centre as an “everlasting fire,” and “a place of torment for the damned,” Burmese and Sri Lankan refugees finally admitted yesterday that their time on the tiny Micronesian island was, in fact, “all right.”
“In spite of all the hunger strikes and all the letters to Amnesty,” Burmese Permanent Protection Visa holder Aung San said, “Nauru was not so bad. Mostly it was quite pleasant. Most refugees just get a little emotional, that’s all.”
Following Aung San’s announcement, asylum seeking refugees awaiting processing in detention centres across Australia acknowledged the positives of their particular predicament.
“The riots in February are the best part so far,” said Amila Debnath, 27, who has been on Manus Island for 11 months. “But it’s all good. A lot of time you look the guard in the eye and instead of killing each other, you swap food recipes and tell funny stories. We show them our secret dens, and they invite us over to their food hall to share some imported Australian beer and to smoke cigarettes.”
Debnath said he also started smoking marijuana on Manus, a habit he still enjoys to this day.
“There is nothing in the world quite like it,” he said. “Not even a visa.”
Musayev Marma is a Sri Lankan refugee who has been at Christmas Island Immigration Reception and Processing Centre for twenty months said, “I’m so glad the facilities here are nothing like they portray in movies like Afghan Stories or In This World. That would be really bad. Coming To America and a little bit of Peter Seller’s The Party is more true to our experience.”
Added Marma: “You see, everybody talks about the overcrowding and the rape allegations. But no one ever talks about the Freddo Frogs and games of Twister.”
Acting as spokesperson for his group, Aung San also admitted that, contrary to what The Refugee Council of Australia’s claim, the asylum seeker circumstances are not something beyond the average Australian’s comprehension.
“For quite a time now we are telling people, if you are not a refugee then you would not understand us,” San said. “But this is simply not true. Anyone could easily look at the television and get a very good idea of what it is like for us. There are many many shows with many detailed descriptions and bright coloured pictures. You certainly don’t need to actually go to Nauru to get a feel for it.”
Padma Ambu, an asylum seeker from Nepal formally detained in the now closed Baxter Immigration Reception and Processing Centre, remembers many good times.
“A lot of times, in between fighting, we would have the barbeque of great seafood and just laze around and drink for many hours,” Padma said. “Then we’d usually flirt with the Baxter guards and take them to our room and have sex with them. And they would often be our very good friends.”
Padma is now raising two beautiful children in Port Augusta South Australia thanks to her exciting refugee sexual adventures.
Ali Rasulov, who while waiting for his asylum claim to be heard had his eye gouged out by a guard during a riot at the now defunct Port Hedland Detention Centre, said that although he has had numerous recurring nightmares over the past 10 years, they have been largely unrelated to his stint as a refugee.
“There’s a really bad one where I’m back in the Port Hedland, and I’m swimming in the Olympic pool, but I realise I’m not wearing any trunks because I forgot to bring my gym bag,” Rasulov said. “My goodness, it seemed so real, it was terrifying.”
Mathias Cormann, the Minister for Finance in the Abbott Government, strongly denies allegations that recently appeared on internet website Reddit claiming he has been moonlighting as the voice of Simpson’s character Rainier Luftwaffe Wolfcastle. Speaking from Austria, where he is holidaying with family, Cormann told The Sun Herald, “This whole Wolfcastle gossip is someone’s girlie fun-stuff.”
On ABC’s “Lateline,” Shadow Minister for Finance Tony Burke, described Cormann as “a parody of Arnold Schwarzenegger.” The show’s host, Emma Alberici, interjected, “You think he owns a Ferrari F40?” Tony Burke replied that he believed it was neither “coincidence” nor “a gee-whiz luck event that he was recently observed driving around Austria in a Hummer H1.”
Cormann continued to deny the allegations outright, stressing “clearly and unambiguously I am not the voice behind Wolfcastle or the reprehensible McBain character.” He added, “This clearly false rumour won’t stick. Because Australian people are smarter than the average Commie-Nazi.”
If he were the voice behind Wolfcastle, Cormann asked, “Why do I think “Run! Get to the chopper!” is not funny?” And he denied, when asked how he slept at night, that he had ever responded with, “On top of a pile of money surrounded by many beautiful women.”
In the nine months since Cormann first assumed office as Minister for Finance, there have been discreet whispers about his experimentation with body-building and his love of German Bratwurst. The Sun Herald reported this week “a senior officer with the Federal Police said on Sunday that it was still their conclusion that Mr. Cormann was not leading a double life.” Despite accusations, Labour has not publicly revealed any evidence that he is working in any capacity with The Simpson’s creator Matt Groening. This issue is key to shaping the public’s perceptions of Cormann and indeed the Abbott Government in the wake of the 2014 Federal Budget. Tony Burke on “Lateline,” went on to allege that “I’ve personally heard him humming “The Bratwurst Song” in the Upper House. And several back-benchers on my side of The House heard him remark to Clive Palmer at the coffee cart “Quit stalling, fatty!” ”
On ABC’s “Q & A,” Shadow Treasurer Chris Bowen made similar allegations, saying, “One night in March this year, Senator Cormann was at a local Canberra hotel with Christopher Pyne and was heard to jibe The Minister for Education by saying, and I quote: “Ja, that is some outfit, Pyne-e-e. It makes you look like a homosexual” – I mean, this is disturbing stuff.”
Asked today to elaborate on his reasons for suggesting that Mathias Cormann was in-fact the voice of Rainier Wolfcastle, Chris Bowen, thru a press aide, declined to comment.
Some observers, looking at the substantiation that Cormann was seen lunching with Matt Groening at Fox Studios in New York have pointed to a report in popular culture magazine, Rolling Stone, that before leaving America last Christmas Cormann stayed at Groening’s house in Malibu City. Cormann’s legal adviser, Lionel Hutz, a lawyer with “I Can’t Believe It’s A Law Firm” denied that report, however, saying, “It’s the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film “The Never Ending Story” ” – (Rolling Stone stands by its story.)
“It’s not just the allegations about me being the voice of Rainier Wolfcastle that mystify me,” Cormann told The Sun Herald. “It’s that people really think I had a starring role in several gay pornography films while chewing on a “Power Sauce Bar.” ” Cormann expressed concern at the range of allegations that have been made against him in the media without intelligence officials providing some kind of factual basis: “I was never a key player in the Hollywood Prostitution scandal, and most certainly never carried George Brandis in an oversized Snugli for babies. I have no idea who Rob Schneider is and I’ve never seen the movie My Baby is an Ugly Man.” ”
Cormann went on, “I mean, I am more socially liberal than a majority of Ministers in our Cabinet around issues of the stem cell research, but I have never supported anyone named Sideshow Bob, and had no idea he was running for Mayor. Really, if I could meet some of these rumour-mongers I would shoot their face…and shoot their face again.”
In the end, Cormann reiterated that “These allegations are false. If mine bratwurst has a second name that’s S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N, it is nobody’s business but my own.”
An inebriated man from Footscray made a fascinating point about the 2014 Federal Budget a few nights ago, astutely commenting on the Abbott Government’s strangely misguided priorities. Dougie Bishop, a 37-year-old fork-lift driver, made the remark around 10:50pm at The Reverence Hotel, where he had spent the night stuffing himself with cheap tacos and drinking himself into a blind stupor.
Shortly before pissing himself, Dougie Bishop shrewdly hypothesised about the puzzling priorities of the 2014 Federal Budget. He has since been elevated to the position of senior-most provincial adviser to Prime Minister Tony Abbott.
“This government, they can find money to fight wars and search for missing planes, but they’re making people pay just to have a thermometer stuck up their bum,” Bishop sharply noted to a handful of patrons as he downed a triple shot of Bundy OP Rum. “They don’t know their fucking armpit from their elbow.”
He then added, “It’s bull-shit, mate, you ‘ear me?” before pissing his pants and stumbling home.
Bishop’s perceptive political remark immediately impressed punters at The Reverence Hotel.
“What Dougie said was spot on,” said Warren Murphy, 33, who was also maggotted. “He was saying like how we spend more money on the the war effort and stuff that’s got nothing to do with us than we are on free health-care for pensioners and stuff. And he was dead right: The whole budget’s screwed-up.”
Sharon Ward, who stood alongside Dougie Bishop at the time waving a bottle of Strong-Bow cider around, also agreed with the Footscray man’s appraisal.
“I can’t remember exactly how he put it now; I wish I could because it was bloody amazing,” she said. “He just cut thru all of the shit right to the heart of the problem…sensational mate, eh?”
Ward broke her nose and 3 ribs later that evening when she was struck by a car while trying to hail a taxi on Napier Street.
When asked to expand on his judgment of the proposed spending cuts outlined in the 2014 Federal Budget, Bishop replied, “I was talkin’ to this good-looking-sort for a while last night and I was pretty sure I was gonna get me end in,” he said. “But then I just threw me guts up right in front of her…but then she said she was a dyke anyway, so…you know.”
News of Dougie Bishop’s politically charged outburst quickly reached Canberra.
“Only a few days ago, I was one of the ministers in favour of cutting welfare benefits while rubber-stamping the purchase of 58 US F-35 Joint Strike Fighter aircraft,” Minister for Employment Eric Abetz said. “But it is now clear that, as Mr. Bishop put it, We don’t know our armpit from our elbow.”
The Australian was also enthused by Dougie Bishop’s hard hitting remarks, dedicating a full page to the central comments of the twice-divorced alcoholic fork-lift driver and father of six who has a history of driving offenses and domestic violence.
“Solutions to major societal problems do not always come from within the Canberrian brain-trust,” editor-in-Chief Chris Mitchell noted. “Often, they come from ignorant, fluro-shirted Australians who fling their uninformed, one-dimensional solutions to multifaceted, 21st Century problems at anyone bothered to listen.”
In addition to his editorial in the pages of The Australian, Bishop has been invited by Queensland Premier Campbell Newman to participate in next month’s round table discussion on Brisbane’s ongoing bikie problem as well as strategies for supercharging the local economy.
New South Wales Premier, Mike Baird, has also expressed interest in consulting Bishop on a number of grave concerns in the wake of recent ICAC investigations.
“It would appear that Mr. Bishop has a nose for decoding the difference between good choice and a choice that is simply rank,” Baird said. “Therefore, I intend to initiate discussions with him in the foreseeable future, definitely.”
This is not the first time Dougie Bishop has boldly questioned the priorities of an Australian Government. In April 2013, after consuming 24 cans of Melbourne Bitter on the tailgate of his Hilux ute, he mumbled to himself, “This fucking Carbon Tax, mate…politicians just sitting around all day dreaming up new ways of sucking another dollar out of yah.”
The remark is said to have been the turning point which culminated in the Liberal Party being swept to power at the Australian 2013 Federal Election.
Nine months after deciding his life was just too hard and engaging a people smuggler to secure him passage on a fishing boat bound for Australia, Adeeb Kohistani, a gutless slacker from Afghanistan, was continuing to hide from reality at Manus Island regional processing facility.
According to former G4S staff, the 31-year-old refugee, a member of the Shia Hazara people from the central highland region of Hazarajat in Afghanistan, apparently did-a-runner from his home last June following a violent raid by the Taliban Army, and now prefers to live in an army tent in the middle of Manus Island than face up to the challenges in his life and deal with them like any normal Australian would.
PNG Police Officer Russty Nicholson said of the pathetic runaway, “When things got hard Kohistani could have defended his village and died with his pride intact, but at the first sign of trouble he just took off to a different country instead.” Officer Nicholson explained this as a common reaction amongst boat people: the moment a large, well-armed military regiment raids their village and slaughters their family, they turn about and run.
Immigration Minister Scott Morrison specifically mentioned Adeeb Kohistani’s case at a press conference outside Villawood detention Centre Thursday. “People like Mr. Kohistani need to understand that Australia is not the place to come and bury your head in the sand just because life has dealt you a rough-hand. I think I can safely speak for all Australians when I say that we are a tolerant nation who believe in a fair go and when a problem crops up, we fix it. You fix it and move on with your life. Because that’s what Australians do.”
Talk-back radio phone lines rang hot after Mr. Morrison’s press conference with the majority of callers agreeing that ignoring all your problems— such as ethnic cleansing and homelessness—and hoping it will all go away is a total cop-out.
“Look at me,” said Mr. Jasper Whyte a caller from Penrith NSW, “I never got my Housing Commission flat by taking the easy way out. It was bloody hard work.”
Another caller described Adeeb Kohistani as “a loser, simple as that!” right after talkback radio host Alan Jones confirmed that Kohistani had ran like a headless chook the night of the massacre before crawling out the back of his hut and cowering in the nearby scrub, where, Jones speculated, the weak-willed man decided to just completely shut out the sight of his settlement being destroyed and the bodies of his loved ones being thrown into a pit rather than tackling the problem head-on. The spineless bastard reportedly ran-off with his tail between his legs to the people smugglers the following day, and is now, by all accounts, content to just give up and pity himself at the taxpayer’s expense.
In a news poll, 91% agreed that Kohistani should not be using the massacre of his family as an excuse to just chuck in the towel. The poll’s comment section was shut-down after contributors overloaded the system with unanimous calls for taxpayer handouts to cease and for Kohistani to snap out of his depression and “get his shit together.”
Mr. Morrison acknowledged that both G4S and his own border protection point man, Lieutenant-General Angus Campbell, had warned Kohistani and all illegal arrivals that they needed to realise everyone faces challenges in their lives, and that they can’t just expect Australians to throw open their arms and take care of everything for them. “During an operational procedure,” said Mr. Campbell, “which I can’t directly discuss, but I can disclose that during that procedure one Australian naval officer lost his iPhone. Over the side and into the drink it went. It wasn’t backed up to the cloud so the officer lost everything. But he didn’t start crying about it, and he certainly didn’t run off to Indonesia expecting them to make it all better for him. No, he took it on the chin and first opportunity he got he was on eBay buying himself a new iPhone which he immediately backed up to the cloud so this sort of problem wouldn’t reoccur.”
Greens Immigration spokeswoman (and general bleeding-heart) Sarah Hanson-Young visited Adeeb Kohistani on Manus but failed to address the queue jumper’s propensity for running away from his difficulties. Instead, Ms. Young spent most of her time criticising the Federal Government’s offer to repatriate Adeeb Kohistani back to Afghanistan at taxpayer expense. The Greens Senator rejected calls for the gutless refugee to grow up and act like a responsible adult for once in his life. She said the piss-weak excuse for a man resolutely refuses to go back to his own country and that he enjoyed her full support.
“Adeeb Kohistani is just barely starting to feel safe here,” said Sarah Hanson-Young. “Returning to his home in Hazarajat is something he can’t even imagine at the moment.” Ms. Young cited dozens of Kohistani’s weak excuses for why he can’t tackle his problems and actually do something about them like any normal Australian would. “So many of his friends and relatives were murdered right in front of him during the raid, and it could have just as easily been him. He told me that he still hears their screams in his dreams every night.”
Scott Morrison countered by saying Adeeb Kohistani wouldn’t be having nightmares if he had initially confronted his attackers head on, although he stressed this did not justify what happened to Mr Kohistani’s relatives and other victims.